Death Jokes

[Kouyioue]

WooooOOOOOoo ! ! !! Death Jokes ! ! ! !! I'm gonna start a fight ! !

I'm gonna joke about dying and you're gonna laugh ! ! >
Let's all have fun ! ! 99%(ish) of all humans who have ever lived on this planet are dead anyways

So let me have fun joking about the columbine and the twin towers because they both happened more than 15 YEARS ago ^_^

[whiny squeaky voice] OOOooOOOEUUUGHHH! ! !! ! People died that daaay Hooow daare youuu ! !! ! WHHHIIIINE ! ! ! ANGER ! ! ANGST ! ! !
Too bad, slick: 6000 people die every hour, get over it.


This is like those social justice warriors that: just because you let your friend into the lunch line, they try to start a bitchFight that EVERYONE should get a free pass too. this is hilarious ! ! ! ! .

---
[Whiny Voice again]
" But Kotuuuuuu ! ! ! ! ! The twin towers and the columbine have sentimental value to the indirect victims SO THESE EVENTS GET A SOCIAL JUSTICE PASS! ! ! "
---
pffft ! ! so? ^_^ EVERY death has sentimental value. Get over it >

--Singing:
♪ Get ~ over ~ itttt ... ! ! !
, Get ~ over ~ itttt ... ! ! ! , ♪ ♪
♪ Get ~ over ~ itttt ... ! ! !
, Get ~ over ~ itttt ... ! ! ! , ♫ ♫

♥ Insulting peoples' followthrough is bliss. ♥ ♥

 

[Pandagnome]

I accidentally sat on a bug the death was instant but the stain was horrific .. rip my purple shorts
summer wont be the same

 

[Torgue_Joey]

MY BIRTH WAS SO EXPLOSIVE, IT ALMOST KILLED MY MOTHER.
YEAH, SO WHAT, I WAS BORN 2 MONTH TO LATE BECAUSE I WAS SO RIPPED, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW!

 

[Kouyioue]

How to make a building collapse kid-friendly:

 

[Torgue_Joey]

How to make a building collapse kid-friendly:

JUST WAIT TILL I GET HOME.

(EDIT: I somewhat having problem to post a gif :/ )

 

[DARKB1KE]

I find it pathetic that these gunmen storm into schools and take out their anger on the kids. They should just off themselves.

 

[SomeUnregPunk]

I find it pathetic that these gunmen storm into schools and take out their anger on the kids. They should just off themselves.

Suicidal people that don't want attention successfully kill themselves alone.
Suicidal people that want attention will kill in public in the hopes they will die with their face plastered all over the media.
There are people that attack cops hoping they will die and get the attention they feel they deserve.

 

[Kouyioue]

[Addressing an amputee]: You can hide, but you can't run! ! ! >

 

[Torgue_Joey]

A paralysed man meet an blind guy.

Paralysed man: imma kick your ass.
Blind guy: I wanna see that.

 

[HumanTrainingBot]

That reminds me of this:



One fine day, in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got up to fight
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot one another.

One was blind and one couldn't see
So they called in a dummy for referee
A blind man came to see fair play
A mute man came to shout hooray.

A paralyzed mule passing by
Kicked the blind man in the eye
Knocked them through a nine inch wall
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all.

A deaf policeman heard the noise
And came and shot the two dead boys
If you don't believe this story's true,
Ask the blind man, he saw it too.

This song was originally posted at:
http://bussongs.com/songs/one-fine-day.php

 

[RaZoR]

99%(ish) of all humans who have ever lived on this planet are dead anyways

Well for the facts, as of 2015, there have been 108.2 billion who have ever been born. Taking away the roughly 7.4 billion who are alive today, we get 100.8 billion who have died before us dating back to 50,000 BC.
So we are at 7% living atm, 93% of all humans born are in memory.
50,000 BC - 2
1 AD - 300,000

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

 

[SomeUnregPunk]

I'm gonna joke about dying and you're gonna laugh ! ! >

okay sure... I'll bite.

What’s 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ?

Spoiler

Crib death.

 

[Mythos]

#BlueWhales #SeaOfWhales

 

[d1g]

A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.

“Magic beer,” he says.

“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”

Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.

“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof —and plummets 15 stories to the ground.

The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”

 

[Death]

I approve.

 

[Pandagnome]

Why did the monster take a dead man for a drive in his car? Because he was a car-case!

 

[DinsdaleP13]

I approve.

Why'd @Death necro the dead thread?

Because he could.

Long time no see. Welcome back.

 

[NitroMidgets]

Sadly a friend and I joke around and say horrible things so often that one day he called and said his wife (also a friend) was gone. I simply asked where she went. He seemed as confused as I was. Then he replied that he had no idea. It was one of lifes great mysteries.
Yep, still confused I asked he used her Iphones thing to see where she was. He said it wasn't going to help. I like to solve things so I kepy asking more questions. Finally he while still in the grieving room at the ER was forced to bluntly state that she died.
I was suddenly way less confused but I did immediately call back to clarify that this was not another horrible joke at the others expense. Thirty minutes later I was standing there in an ER looking at her body. Got to admit, part of me wondered if he had just upped his game at screwing with people and any minutes she would start laughing at me.
I sure like my friends but sometimes I think our jokes need a Safe Word to avoid misunderstandings.

 

[Pandagnome]

I have a buddy who does love his jokes does brighten up the day especially in those really crappy times. Sometimes i cannot tell if he actually is joking which is the worrying thing but he does put a brave face even when things are not going right.

Remember this one joke he said it wasnt funny but to me i had to put my hand over my mouth because of those annoyed looks from those readers in the library. To add to the situation hearing a fart in the distance made me cry i had to escape the library at all cost.

The joke was

What is the difference between a skydiver and a golfer?
Golfer goes whack ....damn and the skydiver goes damn....whack!

 

[Death]

Why'd @Death necro the dead thread?

Because he could.

Long time no see. Welcome back.

Because I could, correct. And thank you, feels good to be back here after a long time.