My GATESTRIDERS NOVEL Review & Nitpicks

#1
Firstly, it was very interesting to hear further details about the technology, especially the THMPR AI personalities and their intelligence. And the Fabric! It's a cool concept, which, along with the description of how their HUD works, the zooming, filters, trackers...etc. opens up a lot of room for creativity, when it comes to writing and visually recreating, in-game, the methods of information sharing and communication the Gatestriders are capable of. I didn't expect there to be such a neural-link/web between people. Expectations exceeded, already. They can still keep their privacy, of course. At least, hopefully. Unless someone can hack their feeds, without their knowing. Spy on others. Spy on potential spies. Gather evidence for a case. Alibis. Investigative work. Detectives on the station? Or just the GCSF? Short-stories?

And the THMPRs having different AI personalities REALLY makes for tons of possibilities, when it comes to creating our own character, in writing or in-game (though obviously, the variations on voice and personalities will naturally be more limited in-game). And then there are implications and applications, the practical applications of such AI-driven companions and the possibility the tech could eventually, and maybe accidentally (or not so accidentally) evolve into something more. Proper sentience. Maybe the Tsi-Hu could alter a captured THMPR, enhance it, give it true intelligence and turn it against us. Maybe it will be the Enshigi, who have already developed sentient machines. Maybe they will be it. And they won't even be human anymore. They wished to purge humanity of emotion and weakness, back on Earth. And they had centuries to...refine that process.

Second, as I've said before, it's neat when we can combine both lore and tutorial elements (as though we're in the game already) in writing. It's how I'd prefer to write any potential expansion of the in-game lore in the form of logs and even audio-recordings that could've been made by NPCs using some speech-to-text software. We could come across heavily damaged THMPRs, during side or main quests, that could hold audio recordings of their conversations with their pilots, before they were attacked and the pilots themselves got nabbed, like Vena was, at the start. Tracking missions. Mistery! History!

The story, so far, is only at its beginning. It is still uncertain where we, as the players, will be jumping into it. It seems some terraforming has already been done, refineries were established, mirrors are warming the zone. But, it is still all snow, soot and searing flames, if one's careless. This is good though. We shouldn't be seeing the creation of a new biome just yet. When the game is kicking off and certain core elements, like thumping, THMPR defense, resource usage, base-building, crafting and base-defense are mostly implemented with enough balance, then, we can see the first fruits of our labors, the terrain turning green with vegetation or just into a rocky desert. I don't know how fast the zones in Firefall were made. I remember the first time I tried the game, that large desert and Copa were all the zones. When I came back, maybe 1-2 years later, they had the last zone with all the snow and volcanic activity. It's also nice to put a number to the remaining Gatestrider population, mixed with people from other colonies. So it'll definitely be more diverse.

And, as I've suspected from the Vision Book and my thread about it, the Gatestriders really don't have any other manufacturers, corporations, companies, firms and factions. Other than their their clans/Houses, apparently. Which is also a good way to introduce and establish how their society, politics and hierarchy works. This means, there may be less work put into coming up with names background lore for different manufacturers and stuff. But, it also means, juggling less stuff to flesh out. At least for now.



Now, for the nitty-gritty nit(ty)-picky.

I should preface my gripes by noting that since I started writing my fan-fics, a few years ago, some of which are 100k and nearly 200k words long, I developed a perhaps annoying sensitivity to repetition, which I always try my damnedest to avoid. So part of my small criticism will be directed at that, as well as other parts of the grammar, which may or may not even turn out to be valid and I wrongly consider some things to be mistakes, when they aren't, based on my own knowledge and experience with the language.

There is some short commentary, here and there that I have to jut down, as I'm reading, lest I forget.

(p1-p2) Repetition of the word "icy" four times within 1-2 pages, too close. I felt like another word could be use to describe either the pain or the sound, or even the cold that's felt and when referring to it a second time, an "it" would suffice to end that small paragraph with. Though perhaps the word "cold" is enough and doesn't necessarily need another adjective to emphasize it.

"...slipping back in unconsciousness." Now, this may be my still existing ignorance of the nuances of grammar, but I always use "into", in such cases. Not necessarily dependent on whether the place one slips back in (or into) physically exist and is tangible or not. Just "in" may still be grammatically correct, but perhaps not widely used and it's why I see it as unusual.

(p2) "Kirii looked at the horizon and, and..." Two "ands." One probably left there by accident, along with the comma.
(p2) "up to a couple (of) miles away." Missing word.
(p2) "...as it lifted a few (feet?) off the ground." Missing word.

(p3) "glinted in the sun(,) off his wings." Missing comma?
(p3) "bulk materials" 2x, too close. Maybe just "...laden with it." Or if it's not clear what "it" is, then "...laden with the stuff/the precious cargo/the necessary materials." I know, I know...getting very nitpicky, now and I'm only on page 3. Can't help it.
(p3) Don't really need the explanation for the "A", or not in brackets, anyway. By this point, reading the Vision Book and other promotional material should already familiarize people with that info.
(p3) "...stuck with ju(s)t me for company." An "s" missing.
(p3) "icy" for the 5th time. Though, it was almost two whole pages since the last one. "Cold glares" "judged you with stares/glares (cold) as the ice outside." The bracketed "cold" isn't even necessary. And it involves the environment more.
(p3) "...faceplate show(s)..." Ought to be "showed." Consistent simple past.

(p4) "...friction cause(d) by the..." Missing a "d." It's strange to read the word "skill" used in this specific scenario. (Are MEK-As capable of learning, honing their programmed protocols? They develop something akin to skill. Interesting.)
(p4) "Ozone(,)chirped the readout..." Comma? Or a quotation mark, even. Both?

(p5) "...and g(e)t into a position..." Shouldn't it be "got?"
(p5)...,then(,) flash(,) disappeared and reappeared." Might be too many commas. But, it's weird as it is.
(p5) "...data spilled like rain over Kirri's vision, as data poured in." Misspelled name and saying "data", again, is redundant. Just "as it poured in" will do.

(p6) "...a bolt of energy discharg(ing)..." Ought to be "ed." I know we can use the -ing for narration, as well, but it should be consistent from the start then. Unless we're from the Drell-race, in Mass Effect and are reliving a vivid memory, describing it as though it is happening in the present.

(p6) "It was heavily armed and Kirii had? Nothing." (Oh, I like this. Almost like a train-of-thought from the character itself. Not sure if Grammar Nazis wouldn't get all nazi about it, but I did nazi that before. Might have written similar bits of narration, before. But, not exactly like that.)
(p6) "Kirri planted a foot..." Name misspelled.
(p6) "The jets kicked up the snow in a huge raft of snow and kicking up small rocks." Repetition of snow, just "a huge raft" should suffice, without "of snow", and "kicked." But, a second kick isn't necessary. "...kicked up the snow in a huge raft, along with small rocks."
(p6) "Gas", then, "a cloud of sulfurous gasses..." How about "a cloud of sulfurous miasma" or "vapor", to substitute for "gasses", avoiding repetition.
(p6) "...had little (a) choice." I believe this IS grammatically correct, but perhaps you didn't want the indefinite article.

(p7) "...and it threw it, as far..." The first "it" was left there. And it's not (or couldn't be) referring to Kirii's frame, either, but Kirii himself.
(p7) "(i)t was dark..." Start of sentence not capitalized.
(p7) Sprouted 2x in a row. The first one, referring to the shape-shifting could be "morphed." And tje second sprouted bladed "scythe(s)", in plural.
(p7) While repeating "struts" is unavoidable, "snapped" two times and too close, is not. The first "snapped" could be "...gaped and gnashed..." instead. Similar in meaning. I know it's not a "g" sound, at the beginning, but an "n", rather. I knew the word, but I looked up the dictionary definition, just to be certain and going by that, it's actually more closely synonymous with "snapped" than I thought, when it's used to mean 'bite down on something.'
(p7) "...the servos (kicking) into overdrive." Kick, kicking, feels like a repetition. "...going into overdrive..." sounds better than the word kick, twice, so soon. And "the chest of the creature(s)", should be singular. Unless an apostrophe, for the possessive form, makes it grammatically correct.

(p8) "And then (another) gleam caught his eyes." Maybe adding that "another" in there makes the repetition of "gleam" more like an emphasis that it's a different one, drawing attention to that distinction and sudden twist in the action.
(p8) Um...Dr. Manhattan? I mean, I know the guy can grow gigantic, split himself, go and be anywhere, anytime, all at once, but come on!
(p8) "Kirri looked down at his ruined legs..." Name misspelled.

Generally a few superfluous commas before the word "and", every now and again. Or they look like they're not always needed, anyway

(p9) "Field-use" stuff. With a dash to make it one word, sorta. That's a peculiarity of the English language. "Red-headed" definitely needs a dash, for the same reason. I always see it like that. Oh, it turns into a single adjective! That's it! Couldn't think of the word right away. Was never good with grammar, not even in my own damn mother-tongue. Hated all the tasks where we had to break down sentences word by word and tell what's what. Still hate it. But, this isn't really doing that.

(p10) "Kirri sighed and rubbed..." and "...,snarled Kirri." Name misspelled.
(p10) "Kirri('s) dropped his gaze..." Apostrophe for possessive or for contraction with "has?"

(p12) "cross crossed" was surely meant to be "criss-crossed."
(p12) "Gatestriders buil(t) first and not stand on ceremony." Buil(d). Isn't it? Also, the "and" can be left out, for a comma, instead. Otherwise, it's "do not" or "don't."
(p12) "But with luck, (and), hard work..." First "and" not needed. "...sacrifice(,) and..." Comma not needed. "...leave it behind, (and) to make..." The "and" isn't needed. After that the singular "wrong" he wants to right can be left singular, I suppose, since there was one BIG mistake made and not many. "First-claimer" with a dash or "Firstclaimer". We can play loose and fast with these, just don't leave them two separate words.

(p13) "...as (a/the) docking port...", "Get in, get stuff done(,) and get out." Unnecessary comma, I feel. And "...of (a) snow globe..."
(p13) "...a powerful draw, (with) exploration...providing both..." So one repetition of an ",and" with a comma can be avoided. It just looks awkward. "...proved (an) irresistible (draw) to..." Without the "an" and "draw", to avoid repetition of "draw."
(p13) Oh, come on...I thought cat-ears and tails would be just quasi-lore-breaking cosmetics and perhaps mechanized prosthetics, on both people and frames. Not bio-engineered (?), living parts of their bodies. I mean, yeah, it's easily explained, but a little too anime. Another part of me absolutely loves it, especially (for) my female character, who, in my head, likes to behave like a big cat, anyway. This way, she can almost literally be a big pussy...and get some, too.
(p13) "...litter to me(,) and that..." Minus the comma.

(p14) "Earth-sourced" Dash makes an adjective.
(p14) "...old enough to understand what happened; why/when the teasing and fights started." Either one, after semi-colon, instead of that awkward ", and" again.
(p14) "Hungarus..." *shifts uncomfortably, being Hungarian* Uh-uh. No. Anything, but that. Good thing it was meant in jest. I'm not hungry, anymore, either.

(p15) *sigh* Fine. I'll stop obsessing over commas before an "and." Even though they look awkward.

(p16) "smart-bed", "rapid-clone", with a dash, even though it's a verb, in context and if it was in past-tense, it ought to be the same. The "medtech" or "med-tech" looks better than "MedTech." That last one looks like a brand or a company name and not an abbreviation of "medical-technician" (?).
(p16) "...less intense (that) the field meds..." Than.
(p16) "patched-up equipment" Dash for adjective, otherwise it's more of a verb.

(p18) "...only in spasm if (it) did." They.
(p18) "...manifest anywhere in (the) room." Or even "in-room" could be a thing.

So, I misunderstood the part where the hologram tucked him in via the robotic arms of the bed. I initially interpreted that sentence as thought the hologram itself was physically interacting with his bed. Which didn't even struck me as odd, because in e.g.: Mass Effect, the Omni-Tool and indeed all holographic displays are interacted with through touch. And in ME3, the Omni-Blade is flash-forged (I think is the term they use) in mid combat for stabbing attacks. So, it wouldn't have been weird if the holograms of Gatestriders were physically capable of interacting with their enviroment and not through software/"thought" controlled proxies. Hell, it's possible now! It's been down, albeit on a much smaller scape. I read about an experiment, from a few years ago, where they created a hologram, a milimeter in size, suspended in mid-air, that reacted to being touched with a finger by...disappearing, if I remember correctly. And that was a few years ago. Combine that technology with 3D printing and holy shit! It may not be far off.

(p19) "He tossed and kick(ed) at the blanket."
(p19) "Is Dragon okay?" And "I (got) to go home tomorrow..." "Get to go..." makes it sound like he was getting permission or as some reward, he gets to do it. But, it's more like he's being ordered. It's required of him. Not really his choice.
(p19) "...of Dragon(,) straps suspending him from..." With that comma between or "...of Dragon, suspended by straps from..."
(p19) " Frist Claimer" Misspelled. Someone really likes the word "icy." It's been 17 pages, but still.

(p20) "...to back up what felt like(d)..." Don't need the "d". That's not what she said!

(p21) So debriefs and reports aren't (necessarily) the same thing. Still, he was given a whole week to give his report? A bit long, ain't it? I mean, the discovery of new species could have become mundane enough not to warrant reports asap, but this one nearly killed a guy and even a First Claimer said they saw nothing like it before. A week seems too long to report on that, no matter what will be said. I have a suspicion they'll be attacked, again, before that and it will accelerate events.

(p22) MEK ought to be always in capitals, then. Unless it appears in a clearly hastily written log, maybe by someone who was dying, or being chased or expose to the environment. But, then, they have the tech to just dictate speech to text. I dunno. Their spell-check should auto-correct "mec" to full capitals. Plus, there's this Fabric thing that's a cool concept.
(p22) "maneuVenable" Someone was having a stroke when they wrote that!

(p23) "...slowed as it (his) hit..." Minus "his."
(p23) "...lava rock that (and) sizzled..." Minus "and."
(p23) "...she reach out (a) an armored hand..." Minus the "a."
(p23) Repetition of "rivulets". I like that word, but the repetition. "...frozen like too much wax..." is enough.

(p24) Hendrik or Hendricks, then? It was just "Hendrik" the first few times, then, became "Hendricks."
(p24) "...cooped up in (a) station..." Need an "a."
(p24) "We opened most (of) the universe..." Needs the "of."

(p26) "...(copse) of a rock tree..." Not corpse, I imagine.
(p26) "...titanium aerogel(,) molecules..." Comma or nah?
(p26) Inching and inching. The second could be replaced with, say, "creeping/crept", changing the other words to match the tense, as necessary. "Crept" would sound better than "creeping", though. Or there's "slink/slinked/slunk." One of my Transformers OCs is named Slink, actually.
(p26) It would be neat, but also ridiculous of we could actually go prone with our frames. Sneak-level: Sore Thumb with a custom paint job.

(p27) "diamond-shaped"
(p27) "magnetic (c)oils" I mean, the slug could be sliding on oil, like a luge racer on crack.

(p28) "...and send(ing) up a fireball..." Sent up. Or, lose the "and" so it's "..., sending up a..."
(p28) "No(,) bad idea." Add a comma.
(p28) "carbon-fiber"
(p28) "Vena's tanglegun(.) She fired it and..."

(p29) "...to a tip studded (with) what looked..."
(p29) "...out of its hand, sending it spiraling..." Minus that "and." Wow. Animating the melee moves of a Tsi-Hu warrior like that will be serious work. And there will have to be some combos there, to properly showcase their combat ability.
(p29) The repetition of "reach" is okay, since they're referring to the actions of two different characters, doing the same thing, with different goals.
(p29) The intense fire from the overworked thrusters could cut a Tsi-Hu in two? Sounds like that could be exploited and controlled by R&D and made into a proper melee ability later.

(p30) "...that sheltered its depression." Or "...that sheltered the depression." To avoid repetition of "crater."
(p30) "backward-arching" Gonna have to look up if there's actually a rule for making these adjectives with dashes or if they can be left out.
(p30) "...that shredded the (creature) into strips..." and then "Its partner looked behind..." Avoiding repetition of "creature."
(p31) "...as (his) figure." Last line of the chapter.

(p32) "...heft(ed) the baton..."

(p33) "...just don't stand up (just) yet..." Minus the second "just." Or "But, don't stand up just yet,..."
(p33) "Kirii patted Dragon on the (d)ead..." Head.

(p34) "Mom(')s wants it..." No possessive.

(p35) "...understand this (at) first."
(p35) "...transitioning to night..."
(p35) "vast" x5
(p35) "...alleyways that line(d)..."
(p35) "lined" Again. "packed" or "full of" and "quiet-looking"
(p35) "labyrinthine heart" Adj.

(p36) "...paleolithic(,) shark-teeth..."
(p36) "They sat and drank, (and) their beer (was) smooth (and cold), with..." One or the other "cold" is not needed. Don't need to repeat its temperature and can avoid one or two "ands." "They sat and drank, their beer smooth and cold..."

(p37) "Life is full of difficulties. If..."
(p37) Love the probably deliberate use of "chattered". Chattering is the thing/sound cats do, when they see prey/birds (outside windows).

(p38) "drained of color" 2x "Even his friends' face, shocked and staring, seemed to have paled." Or something else.

(p39) "deftly" "deftly" We know it's "deftly".

(p40) Too many "giants." Briga "swung at the one who'd hit Kirii." That's one down.
(p40) Briga and the Giant were locked together like a THMPR vs. Kaiju, more like. I see what you did there. Or did you?
(p40) "...to his feet, a snarl of hatred twisting..." Or "A snarl of hatred twist(ed)..."

(p41) "...at (the) pitiless face..."
(p41) "slow motion" 2x "The man snarled, his boot crashing toward his face like a slowed holo-vid."
(p41) "...a muffle(d) clunk..."
(p41) "wet" 2x The second could be "soggy."

(p42) "...heavy and (wet)..." Or "damp" maybe. Although, that may be a weak synonym. Need something as strong as "wet."

(p43) "...charges would they face(d)..." Minus "d."

(p44) "...city growing..." Or "glowing?"
(p44) "Mr. Santiago...for the record?" Is not in quotes.

(p45) "What Firstclaimer..." Not capitalized.
(p45) "...and (was) very good at his job."

(p46) "...humanoid Xeno (is) using for..." Was.

(p49) "...snatched (the) ball midair..."
(p49) "...painting you and House (Garrick)..." Garrack or Garrick? Keeps changing.
(p49) "...a certain amount of finesse(s)." Singular.
@Grummz @Ronyn

I think I forgot to place tags on this and my previous thread about the Vision Book. [EXPLETIVE] !!!
 
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Pandagnome

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#2
I didn't expect there to be such a neural-link/web between people. Expectations exceeded, already. They can still keep their privacy, of course. At least, hopefully. Unless someone can hack their feeds, without their knowing. Spy on others. Spy on potential spies. Gather evidence for a case. Alibis. Investigative work. Detectives on the station? Or just the GCSF? Short-stories?
I'd love to see some good GCSF stories and how they solve cases!!! :cool:


THMPRs having different AI personalities REALLY makes for tons of possibilities, when it comes to creating our own character, in writing or in-game (though obviously, the variations on voice and personalities will naturally be more limited in-game).
If the story is good could the A.I personalities be created for the future such as Dragon etc


Tsi-Hu could alter a captured THMPR, enhance it, give it true intelligence and turn it against us. Maybe it will be the Enshigi, who have already developed sentient machines. Maybe they will be it. And they won't even be human anymore.
This made me think about the animatix because if such sentient take one of our own would they still have their human side still trapped somewhere perhaps even controlled like puppets and unable to break the nightmare cycle until the reapers some how do.




Second, as I've said before, it's neat when we can combine both lore and tutorial elements (as though we're in the game already) in writing. It's how I'd prefer to write any potential expansion of the in-game lore in the form of logs and even audio-recordings that could've been made by NPCs using some speech-to-text software. We could come across heavily damaged THMPRs, during side or main quests, that could hold audio recordings of their conversations with their pilots, before they were attacked and the pilots themselves got nabbed, like Vena was, at the start. Tracking missions. Mistery! History!
:cool: